After lunch today, Charlotte and I ate the last two pieces of Abby's birthday cake.  As we ate, Charlotte said:

"We have Abby's cake?"

Yes.

"Abby come soon?  Her have cake too?"

No, Abby's not having cake.

"Abby come later?"

No honey, she's not coming later.

"Abby die?  Her cry?"

Yes, Abby died but she's not sad, she's not crying.

"Abby come soon?"

No ( Read more... )

June 10th is almost over for another year.  I'm relieved, but also wishing I could hold on to these last two days and what they represent.  I woke up this morning 4 minutes after Abby's time of death, then Jack and I spent some time sharing our memories of this day, four years ago.  My memories were so clear and specific, while his were much more ( Read more... )

Jack and I woke up together this morning and I cuddled up against his back.  We spent a few silent moments together in bed before he rolled over and put his arms around me.  My first thought this morning was, "This was Abby's last day with me, her last day of life."  I thought about the day I spent in labour, how I couldn't believe that my labour  ( Read more... )

Where did this week go?   Oh, right - NRPthatneverhappened, work, mammogram in the city, work, parenting fluff in between all that.  I've been wanting to make plans for Abby's birthday and angelversary but Life has pushed all that aside and I feel like I'm failing her.

I was supposed to get Abby's memorial to the local paper by this past Wednesday ( Read more... )

My thoughts are quite scattered tonight.  I am touched by the LJ comments, emails and phone calls that I received today.  It's been such a comfort to hear how others are honoring Abby's memory.

And it's been an odd day for me; sometimes it feels like a perfectly normal day and then the next moment I'm swept away in memories of Abby's birth.  It's ( Read more... )

Charlotte and  I have played the "Where's Abby" game several times this morning, pointing at various pictures around the house.  She is puzzled by my tears and has wiped at them several times with her cookie-mush covered fingers.  I have kissed her squishy cheeks so many times this morning, and have whispered words to Abby into Charlotte's hair.

I ( Read more... )

June the 9th will never be just another day for me.  The first ten days of June will move slowly, heavy with memories of Abby.  I told Jack today that I never, ever want to 'get used to' Abby being gone.  I don't ever want her birthday and angelversary to pass unnoticed ( Read more... )

Two years ago, I was having contractions all day but they were quite irregular.  I still had two weeks before my due date with Abby so I wasn't convinced that this real labour, and I was really hoping it *wasn't* labour because Jack was leaving the next day for a 3 day fishing trip.

Well, it *was* early labour, and it picked up again the next day ( Read more... )

It's late at night, I am overwhelmed with all of the school work and studying I need to do, and I am completely exhausted.  I am feeling the passage of time so deeply today - it's one week today until Abby's birthday.  All of the memories I have of my pregnancy with her, her birth and death, her funeral, it's all flooding back at me in waves.

( Read more... )

I went for a longish bike ride with the girls the other day and today, my tailbone is so sore!  I may inflate my donut pillow today :-/

Charlotte went to bed at about 8:30 last night and slept ALL NIGHT!  She was grumping and wiggling around when I went to bed just before midnight but she didn't wake up.  I woke up a couple of times, looked at the ( Read more... )